Post by Jared Lorenzen on Aug 24, 2007 7:09:42 GMT -5
Jared and the Depth Chart
• The following story is the true story of Jack and the Beanstalk, which wasn’t about a stupid kid who bought beans and killed a giant after all. Last summer, archaeologists found the original text of Jack and the Beanstalk at the foothills of Furnace Mountain in Powell County, KY. As it turns out, the story actually chronicled the rise of a small, sickly boy into a true Giant. That story is called “Jared and the Depth Chart.” Keep in mind, this ancient tale goes back hundreds of thousands of years, so the language is a little “Shakespearean”, if you will. Enjoy!
One day this kid named Jared was walking around Powell County because they don’t have a Wal-Mart. Anyway, this kid Jared was pretty small and all the rednecks that hung out at General Dollar used to drive up in their Chevy Cavaliers and say “Hey small-y, you’re real small!!” Then they’d drive off but some wires got messed up because one of the kids didn’t know how to hook up his nutsty subwoofer in his Cavalier and so the car died. Then the small kid named Jared would feel bad.
Then Jared had some cigarettes with him. They were GT One’s but Powell County people call them “Git Ones.” So this guy comes up and says, “hey, gimme that pack a Git Ones and I’ll give you these five magic beans.” So Jared says ok why not and gives him the pack of cigs. Then he buys back a loosie with one of the beans.
So Jared got home and accidentally ate the beans for some reason. He went to bed on a racecar bed because that seems kind of skanky, right? Anywho, so he wakes up and he’s like totally huge and is way bigger than the bed dude. I guess the beans made him grow but who knows?
So then his parents saw that he was big now and they said “you’d better get a job at UPS now, it’s the only thing in Powell County.” But Jared says “no way I wanna play football for the New York Giants.” And everyone laughed because they remembered a joke they heard one time.
So anyway, the Chargers got 3 pro bowlers and the Giants now have some guy named Eli. Eli lived on top of a puffy cloud that stank sometimes. One day, his forehead became so large that some of it turned into a rope that fell down from the cloud. So Jared climbed it. When he got to the top, Eli said “Peyton?” but it was not Peyton it was Jared. Jared then ran towards Eli to say “hi-five bro” but Eli saw pressure coming and fumbled a football he was holding for some reason. When Eli finally looked up out of the fetal position (oh yeah he was in the fetal position because he was so scared) Jared was standing at the top of the depth chart, which was made from the beans he ate!! Dude, it’s like the Sixth Sense or something!!!
• The following story is the true story of Jack and the Beanstalk, which wasn’t about a stupid kid who bought beans and killed a giant after all. Last summer, archaeologists found the original text of Jack and the Beanstalk at the foothills of Furnace Mountain in Powell County, KY. As it turns out, the story actually chronicled the rise of a small, sickly boy into a true Giant. That story is called “Jared and the Depth Chart.” Keep in mind, this ancient tale goes back hundreds of thousands of years, so the language is a little “Shakespearean”, if you will. Enjoy!
One day this kid named Jared was walking around Powell County because they don’t have a Wal-Mart. Anyway, this kid Jared was pretty small and all the rednecks that hung out at General Dollar used to drive up in their Chevy Cavaliers and say “Hey small-y, you’re real small!!” Then they’d drive off but some wires got messed up because one of the kids didn’t know how to hook up his nutsty subwoofer in his Cavalier and so the car died. Then the small kid named Jared would feel bad.
Then Jared had some cigarettes with him. They were GT One’s but Powell County people call them “Git Ones.” So this guy comes up and says, “hey, gimme that pack a Git Ones and I’ll give you these five magic beans.” So Jared says ok why not and gives him the pack of cigs. Then he buys back a loosie with one of the beans.
So Jared got home and accidentally ate the beans for some reason. He went to bed on a racecar bed because that seems kind of skanky, right? Anywho, so he wakes up and he’s like totally huge and is way bigger than the bed dude. I guess the beans made him grow but who knows?
So then his parents saw that he was big now and they said “you’d better get a job at UPS now, it’s the only thing in Powell County.” But Jared says “no way I wanna play football for the New York Giants.” And everyone laughed because they remembered a joke they heard one time.
So anyway, the Chargers got 3 pro bowlers and the Giants now have some guy named Eli. Eli lived on top of a puffy cloud that stank sometimes. One day, his forehead became so large that some of it turned into a rope that fell down from the cloud. So Jared climbed it. When he got to the top, Eli said “Peyton?” but it was not Peyton it was Jared. Jared then ran towards Eli to say “hi-five bro” but Eli saw pressure coming and fumbled a football he was holding for some reason. When Eli finally looked up out of the fetal position (oh yeah he was in the fetal position because he was so scared) Jared was standing at the top of the depth chart, which was made from the beans he ate!! Dude, it’s like the Sixth Sense or something!!!
